When I was very young I was afraid to open up my mouth for fear that someone might say something to me that would embarrass me in front of other people. I was terrified of standing out from the crowd. I just wanted to hide under my desk and never have to speak out loud so others would hear me and what I thought. I would much rather sit at the back of a room and listen to what everyone else had to say and then silently review all of the information and decide what made sense and what seemed stupid or silly or senseless. I could never understand how people could get up in front of an entire room full of people and speak out without even a thought of what someone might think of them or what people might say about them later. How they could take the chance of humiliating themselves in front of all of these strangers and think nothing of it.
As a child I’m amazed that I did so well in school considering I would do almost anything to get out of being in a social situation where I had to be involved with the other kids and involve myself with the group. It was torture for me to take an active role in the event and being part of the support of the group and interacting with the group in any social situation while I was in school. I could barely even stand to have someone look into my eyes for fear that they would see me and discover who I really was. The old sole who has depths greater than I could ever explain without sounding a bit crazy. Maybe that is why I have feared discovery. Regardless of these fears that have been constantly battled over time, I am very selective of who I share my inner most true thoughts too. Even today I am very quiet about my true thoughts and for most of my life I’ve spent a great deal of time watching people and observing their behaviors. I realized that It is not I who is crazy, but in observation I have noticed that people talk too much. They appear to have no meaning behind the words they say and speak over and over again about things that simply aren’t that important. Or at least aren’t deeply important. Shallowness.
My way of coping with this isolation was to draw. I began drawing before I was old enough to go to school. I could draw better than I could spell my own name. Hours and hours teaching myself how to draw, first by tracing pictures out of my coloring book and then shading and filling it all in. I was so proud that I could make something so beautiful. I was mesmerized by the lines and the curves and the colors and the depth I could create with my pencils or my crayons. I loved to create something that I thought was beautiful. I got better and better at it. “When I grow up I want to be an artist”, is what I told myself, over and over again.
I had everything that a kid could want when I was young. A home with property to explore that was surrounded by woods and long grass. There were forts and trails and we had chickens and a dog and a cat. We had toys and birthday parties and friends coming over because we had all the cool stuff to play on in out yard, swings and outdoor fun things to do. We even had a pony. The pony and I didn’t get along well, it would try and rub me off on the fence every time I tried to ride it, or it would chase me and try to bite me. I didn’t like that pony. My life was good.
Being the big sister of my two younger sisters and my baby brother made me the leader at a pretty young age. Babysitting, finding things for us all to do, watching out for them, making sure everything was going along in a way that my mother would be happy with us all. You always wanted to make sure mom was happy, otherwise there was hell to pay. We spent allot of time outside playing and it was normal for us to find our own things to do.
Things were much different back then, there was no mention of strangers to fear or worrying about weather we would get abducted by some serial kidnapper murderer while we were playing outside. We would most times just come back home at dinner time and go inside. The parents never knew where we were or at least it seemed that way to me. I was free from everything and everyone when I was outside exploring.
It was only me and the natural sounds of the trees and the wind and the grass and the life buzzing around me. I had a very strong connection to the feel of the earth below my feet or the tree powered over me. The flowers and plants seeming to draw nearer to me when I would put my face close to it. I loved the smells of the dirt and the grass. The insects and birds seem to be my friends coming close to me when I am still and watching them. My mind and body are part of the wind and the sky and the earth below me is grounding me to the universe. The butterflies and the bees fly around me like they are forming a shield around me. There is no fear; only a feeling of wholeness and I am connected to the nature and I only feel the beauty.